On TP

I sometimes give thanks to the inventors of toilet paper. When I was a kid a handful of leaves in the woods served as an acceptable substitute. Leaves are some what difficult to wield, often came apart in your hand transferring the offending substance to your fingers. If you were still eating a candy bar or sandwich it made the whole experience unappetizing. However, you did not have to worry about the toilet clogging up or the flush handle breaking. All in all it was not a very rewarding experience.


Besides it creates a whole new dynamic in this world if we did not have TP. I can just imagine people climbing precariously into tree tops to fetch the last few leaves in a densely populated area. What about at night, the trees might appear to be invaded by huge lightening bugs as individuals went in search of nightly relief. Plus what happens if someone couldn't hold it whilst searching for the appropriate bunch of leaves. It wouldn't be just bird shit falling from the skies. So thank you inventors of the TP, we are all in awe of your creativity.


There are several categories of TP that bear discussion. First of all we see the label "Strong." This means it doesn't tear under duress. I find technique has a lot to do with this issue. Because I encounter chronic diarrhea. Do not confuse the term diarrhea with the explosive watery output we get when we are sick or preping for a colonoscopy. Diarrhea has to do with frequency. On a bad day I may go to the bathroom 25 times or more. On a good day, maybe once, sometimes I even miss a day, oh do I enjoy that.


Back to the "Strong" classification. Well, actually one needs to discuss technique here before getting into the classifications of TP. My preferred method would be blotting. This involves folding the TP neatly into a square shape and then blotting the anal area instead of scrubbing. I find that if you are in the midst of an episode, repeated visits to the porcelain shrine,  that scrubbing can give you an RA (raw ass). This becomes painful with each succeeding visit and can end up very painful indeed. While a lubricant may help, you actually scrub it off on the next visit and just further exacerbate the situation. So blotting is my preferred method.

"Strong" holds up to blotting quite well. Once and a while on the way to the site the paper may fold on you leaving your fingers to bear the brunt of the blot, but other than washing your hands thoroughly it does not present too big of a problem other than mental.


The consistency of the stool may vary. When it is firm and torpedo shaped things are going well. In fact, I get into a state of "TA." Teflon Ass, this is when nothing sticks. Usually I can get away with two blots, the first to clean up any residual the second to insure the first was effective. This is primo! Too rich a diet, too much fat over a period of time, or some particular food that may upset the system causes the consistency of the "stool" to deteriorate. It isn't too bad if it gets on the thin side like pudding. Easily blotted it takes quite a bit of TP, but it is not too bad. I have been known to go through an entire roll of TP in under two hours. 


The problem begins as the stool begins to reconstitute and becomes the consistency of 90 weight gear oil, or lubricating grease. Now "Strong" becomes a bit of a problem as it moves the stool around as opposed to picking it up. This smearing effect has a distinct feeling and can be uncomfortable to the uninitiated. Beware of moving to "Soft" TP as this can create a very ugly scene. I have been blotting with "Soft" paper only to have it shred under my fingers exposing me to direct contact with the putty like stool. This does not wipe of the fingers to well leaving one reaching for the wash basin with perhaps a bit of paper hanging from their crack.


So, from this expert I recommend Strong. Now one manufacturer has come out with Strong & Soft, I don't trust it. Stay with Strong. I also find that four sheets are enough for any situation, I fold them flat. I find wadding them up to be uncomfortable for blotting and increases the smearing potential. 


So all you rec-to-files here some information you can really get into. Here's wishing you successful blots and clean fingers. Go to it! In another installment I will discuss the aspects of public toilets and the TP used in their sterile appearing stalls.