Fear

I don't seem to express it any other way, but I seem very fearful and have a hard time with depression. My scan on 7/22 revealed three small nodules in my lung and another in the other lung. There is not appearance of anything in the liver or even where I had surgery appears to be cancer free accept the soft tissue growth, scar tissue, cannot be ruled out, but the doctors all agree it is simply the results of the surgeries.

In the meantime the lungs are new and have me absolutely on the run. I spend most days feeling blue because it escaped the confines of my pelvic region.

I do chores around the house and try to disguise my depression from my wife. But it seems like my mind has a "mind" of its own that I have little influence over. It has always been that way. I made my living with my mind, and as a result it is very strong and active. Now I wish it weren't so.

What's to fear, really not much at this point. The only point of potential cancer is my lungs, it is very slow growing and I've even been told by my oncologist that I could wait several months have another scan to see if they've grown. However I believe his diagnosis for not that the nodules are malignant and are part of my colon cancer development.

I do have an appointment for Mayo's on Oct 5, this is now August 11. So it is sometime off. But I worry so much. It makes day to day living kind of a challenge. So far I've been up to it, but I still find myself dwelling on my troubles instead of my blessings. I will try to do better.